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Farting at the workplace

Whether you are in need of releasing the nasties because you were drinking the night before, or you were just enjoying a big lunch with your workmates, the results are the same:

Farts. Noisy, smelly farts.

Here are the most common types of workplace farts, and some useful tips to avoid embarrassment.

-If you must fart at your desk, ask yourself this question: Do you have a private office? If you do, go right ahead, but remember to lock your door, and trying to keep things quiet so no one will knock or come in just as you've dropped your bomb. Keeping a can or air-freshener handy is not a good idea, since everyone will know you're trying to cover up a trouser ghost. 

-If you DO NOT have a private office, and are seated at a cubicle or at a desk in a wide open office space, consider the following: Only release farts you believe will not make noise, and do so in the most densely populated areas of the office, i.e., water cooler. You may also want to excuse yourself and go to the washroom, which is perhaps the sanest piece of advice we can dispense here. The copy room is also a good location to release your poofs, but make sure that door is locked, or some attractive colleague is bound to enter at the most inopportune time. Keep in mind that copy rooms are not as properly ventilated, and that they sometimes are quite warm, which will make you noxious fumes last longer.

-If your farts make noise, as most do, and you really cannot hold them until you get home, you will have to find some way to cover up the noise. we recommend ripping up reams of paper or scraping your eels on the floor. Adjusting the zipper on you document binder is also a good technique, but sometimes, your farts may trumpet at a different frequency, or last longer than the time it takes to finish farting.

-When you cannot excuse yourself, that is if you are stuck in a meeting and you just finished a large muffin and egg breakfast, capped with a huge cup of coffee. If there ever was a time to hold them in this is it. Do not ever fart in a meeting unless you know they will be colorless, odorless and noiseless.

If you do not work in an office, and work near open flames. DO NOT FART



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